Introduction
Today it is a reality to utilize computers to accomplish our everyday activities. They have been integrated into most people’s lives. We use them to work and do business, we use them to play. We use computers to do our shopping and when we need to research something, like researching the possibility of hiring a private investigator. The same is true for of a cheating spouse. They use computers to send e-mails to the other people they could be cheating online with. A cheating spouse usually looks at websites about sexual performance, weight loss, infidelity, how not to get caught, and other similar sites. Today a colossal number of people are meeting and developing relationships on-line. They do this in chat rooms, having on-line conversations, and by posting messages on discussion boards, and also by visiting web sites in order to meet people. These online relationships can grow into regular e-mailing and instant messaging, usually about how each party feels toward one another and what they are up to. Often times these relationships grow from a cyber-affair into a real world relationship. Accordingly, our computers can be a treasure trove of information that can help a spouse or loved one who is looking to know what’s going on with their boyfriend/girlfriend, or husband/wife.
Why an internet relationship?
As private investigators we frequently are asked, “Why is my husband cheating online?” In our experience, it seems that the internet is a safer and easier place to meet people than the real world is. Online, anyone is allowed to be the person they want to be. Maybe someone wants to appear to be better looking, richer, or happier. It is safe to be that person when you are online. Mike, who was a mechanic in the Navy ten years ago in real life, becomes Mike the former “Navy Seal” on-line. Michelle, whose college roommate became a model in the real world “does some modeling” when chatting with her friends in cyberspace. You can type things on the internet that you would never say in the real world. In short, it gives people a place to fill a lagging self-esteem or to compensate for the short comings of their own, personal, real life.
Once your cheating spouse has met someone on-line who sounds exciting, sexy and interesting, they will spend time learning about this person. Your boyfriend/girlfriend begins to fantasize about how this person looks, how well they relate to on another, and so on and so forth. As the “relationship” goes on, the two get to know each other better and the talk of the real world begins to enter their conversations. Trust develops between your husband or your wife and this person, as they feel that they relate to each other, and it builds as more time goes by. It then gets to the point where they begin to be even more honest, sometimes totally honest, and an internet affair becomes a real relationship or an affair outside of cyberspace.
Here are some interesting statistics about on line behavior
· 57% of people have used the Internet to flirt. (Greenfield and Rivet - Internet Use & Abuse Survey 1999).
· 38% of people have engaged in explicit online sexual conversation and 50% of people have made phone contact with someone they chatted with online. (Greenfield and Rivet - Internet Use & Abuse Survey 1999).
· Evidence proves there is a high correlation between on-line cybersex and subsequent real-time sexual affairs. (Greenfield and Rivet - Internet Use & Abuse Survey 1999)
· 31% of people have had an online conversation that has led to real-time sex. (Greenfield and Rivet - Internet Use & Abuse Survey 1999)
Does cheating online really happen?
It absolutely does. So many of our clients consult with us and state their utter disbelief in the fact that their spouse would be carousing for sex on the internet or that they are cheating online. The reality is that, like affairs at school, work, church, the health club or any other social environment; it usually starts quite innocently and grows from there. People go online and get to know one another in a safe internet setting and slowly it progresses into cyber sex and /or a real life relationship. Do not underestimate this platform for people meeting and growing close. Cheating online happens daily, in every town across the world.
There are also those people who are not looking for a boost in their self esteem or to have a relationship. Instead they simply want sex with someone that they do not know. In some cases, cyber sex can help to fill this need. This new sub-culture is comprised of men and women who use their computer to meet other people who want commitment free sex just like they do. They are attracted to the excitement of the affair. They like to type stories about fantasy and sex, and they look for others who share this desire. It is important not to stereo type these folks. They are not just “stripers” or the “dirty old man” wearing a trench coat. These people are your neighbors, the soccer mom, and the teller at the bank, maybe your accountant and potentially your girlfriend or boyfriend. This group of people uses their computers the same way those looking for true love do. They visit certain sites, e-mail, and chat rooms and use an instant messenger.
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The best way to get proof of an On-Line Affair, Online Cheating or Cyber Sex
As private investigators we see it everyday. Clients whose spouse or loved one is cheating on them and carrying on this relationship over the internet. We STRONGLY recommend that you consider handling things yourself and install one of these discreet software programs in order to get your own proof. They are EASY TO INSTALL AND USE. You don’t need to be a programmer or high end computer user. Installation and use is easy and can be done by anyone. If you think you husband is cheating online please install our software.
eBlaster for Windows - NEW VERSION 3.0!
NEW eBlaster 3.0 - Now Records and Automatically Forwards Email!
eBlaster lets you know EXACTLY what your spouse or family members are doing on the internet, even if you are thousands of miles away. eBlaster records their emails, chats, instant messages, the web sites they visit and keystrokes typed. Then eBlaster automatically sends this recorded information to your own email address. Additionally, this happens within seconds of them sending or receiving an email.
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Spector Professional Edition for Windows
Now with Web Mail capture!
Spector Professional Edition automatically takes hundreds of snapshots every hour AND includes TRUE email capture, even web-based email accounts, such as Hotmail, Yahoo mail, etc. Spector Professional edition also offers TRUE chat and instant messenger communication capture, and now includes the world’s best Key Logger. In addition, Spector Pro provides IMMEDIATE NOTIFICATION when your girlfriend/ boyfriend or your spouse encounters dangerous or inappropriate web sites, emails or chats.
Our software was awarded PC Magazine Editors’ Choice for best Surveillance Software in July of 2002. Spector Pro is the only program available that will capture web-based email such as Yahoo mail, Hotmail, Excite mail and AOL web based emails. With Spector Pro, you will be able to actually see in exact detail what your spouse, kids and employees have been doing online and offline.
Please be aware that these programs work in stealth, and there are other software products available that are designed to locate spy software, such as this, on a computer. It is also well known that products like these exist and some cheating online spouses will be aware of the potential for you purchase software that allows you to monitor their online activities. We also advise that you consult with an attorney or the law enforcement agency in your area to verify the legality of using such spy software programs where you currently live. Be advised that we are not attorneys and cannot attest to the circumstances under which someone can employ these programs to watch someone else’s activities.
What if you think he or she is watching for you to watch them online?
If you feel that this is the case and you know a little bit about computers, we have just the right tool for the job! Key Ghost is NOT software. It is a small device that you can plug into the back of your computer. Key Ghost does all of the same work software based key loggers can do but cannot be found by spy ware detection programs. You will be able to record and retrieve everything typed on the computer with the device, including emails, chat room activity, instant messages, website addresses, search engine searches and much more. No software installation is necessary to record or retrieve keystrokes! If the husband cheating online is computer savvy just like you are this is the perfect tool for you.
Is the cheater watching you?
If that does not get the job done, as you had hoped, then there are an endless number of software programs that can help you to monitor any computer and help you to get the proof you need. Our private investigative agency has experience with many of these different types of software and we have presented those that we think can get the job done correctly and reliably below. Be sure to review them in detail and get a very good understanding of how they work. We are confident that all of them can be run by just about anyone. You don’t need to be a PI or a computer programmer to use them.
With spy ware being as sophisticated as it is, this type of monitoring device is very difficult to locate without extensive knowledge of computers and their operating systems. Fortunately, there are several equally as sophisticated programs available to help detect spy ware someone is using to watch you with, all are offered at very affordable prices. These programs can be installed by almost anyone and do not require paying an expert to come to your home and get right in the middle of your private affairs. If you suspect that your spouse cheating online may be watching you, we encourage you to visit these software providers who we feel offer excellent products to assist you:Do It Yourself Online Advice for Those Who Suspect They Have a Husband Cheating Online, or a Spouse, Girlfriend or Boyfriend
E-Mail Tracing
If you know that your loved one is receiving e-mail from a certain person but you don’t know their identity, help is available. As trained licensed private investigators, we have the ability to trace most e-mail accounts or e-mails back to their senders. Not all e-mails can be traced and several types of “anonymous” e-mail accounts exist, but the majority of e-mail accounts, including AOL accounts can be traced back to the sender.
At Mate Check, we charge $ 425.00 flat rate for our basic e-mail trace. This includes the name and address of the owner of the e-mail account that sent the message. If we cannot get you the owner, we charge $ 100.00 and return the remaining $ 325.00 immediately. Note: if you need this done for litigation purposes, the cost will vary inasmuch as additional procedures will need to be employed to hold up in court-
Signs of Cheating Online
· New demands for privacy on the computer.
· Spends time on-line while you sleep or only when you are gone.
· Closes screens, lots of clicking when you come in the room.
· Moves the computer to a more private area.
· New e-mail accounts, hotmail or other free, anonymous e-mail.
· Password protected areas, accounts.
· Deleting files, emptying “recycle bin” each time he/she uses computer, deleting cache.
· Excessive time on computer that is claimed to be for some purpose but no support for it.
Is Viewing Internet Pornography Like Cheating?
According to Nielsen Net ratings, 17.5 million internet users visited internet pornography sites from their homes in about a one month period of time. It is an ever expanding trend that has many people worrying about their real life relationships. So is it normal, or is it cheating? Here’s what Dr. Phil McGraw has to say:
If you’re looking at internet pornography, you need to determine if you have a problem. Ask yourself these two questions:
1. Would you do it with your partner standing right there?
2. Are you turning outside of your relationship to fulfill a need that should be met within your pre-existing relationship?
The answers you gave to the above questions should give you an idea of whether or not you have a problem with internet pornography. You should also consider how your behavior affects the people around you. You might say that looking at pornography online is harmless, but it could have a negative emotional effect on the people that love you.
Conversely, you could end up getting hurt yourself because your mate is looking at pornography online. You have good reason to be upset! That sort of behavior is disrespectful to the relationship that the two of you have established together. Talk to your partner. Explain that the pornography has to go—no ifs, ands or buts about it. Don’t accept excuses like "Everybody looks at porn" or "It’s just the Internet." That attitude speaks volumes, attesting to the health of your relationship. Your partner has got to choose what’s more important to him or her: pornography or the relationship?
We enjoyed the following article about cheating online and how you can catch your spouse in the act. From the show Dr. Phil on Adultery.
2008 AAMFT Consumer Update Online Infidelity
·
Over half of all U.S.
households have Internet access, making
the 40 million sexually explicit Web
sites, chat rooms, bulletin boards and
interactive games completely available
to anyone who cares to partake. An
estimated 35 to 50 percent of Internet
users go online for sexual purposes;
most are male, about 35 years old,
married with children, and well
educated. As many as 23 percent of users
become addicted to online sexual
activity. In the coming years, as the
number of households with Internet
access grows, it can be expected that
more and more couples will suffer a
variety of problems related to online
infidelity.
Sexual behavior over the Internet can
easily threaten relationships because it
is extremely accessible, affordable, and
the ability to hide one’s identity helps
people feel they can escape being
caught. Online sexual behavior is
proving to be highly addictive to some
users and serious relationship problems
are reported in almost all marriages in
which one partner is cybersex addicted.
Even if the user does not become
addicted, problems can still exist
between partners. How does online sexual
behavior start?
· Online chatting or e-mailing can begin simply as a distraction from boredom or emotional distress. Behaviors that were once off limits in a face-to-face situation with strangers are suddenly available through the Internet. Individuals seeking to connect with a potential partner via the Internet can present themselves in any way they choose, and can omit information they don’t want others to know. What started innocently can easily advance to a real life emotional and/or physical extramarital affair. However, even if the behavior never advances to meeting in person, many partners view cybersex chatting and/or pornography viewing as a form of infidelity, a threat to the marriage, and as emotionally distressing as a “live affair. What are the signs?
·
Problems that arise
include loss of trust, a decrease in
self-esteem, and a sense of isolation.
Some users begin to have difficulty
becoming aroused by their partners,
avoid sex, and experience emotional
distress in their relationships. In
fact, 52 percent of cybersex users lose
interest in relational sex. Or, to the
other extreme, the user may request or
demand sexual behaviors that the partner
finds offensive. The partner may notice
a significant change in sleep patterns,
the demand for privacy, and the user may
make excuses for spending time alone.
To be in a secure love relationship is
to be desired and thought of as special.
It is our main source of security,
emotional safety, and comfort.
Infidelity of any kind disrupts this
special bond and one or both partners no
longer have the sense of being connected
in a secure, safe haven. In the case of
Internet infidelity, when a partner
suspects the user is engaging in
cybersex behaviors, he or she may become
overly sensitive to the partners
activities and whereabouts, searching
for evidence of wrongdoing. One or both
partners may obsessively think about the
other’s behavior, have problems
sleeping, have difficulty focusing at
work, and dealing with other tasks
requiring attention to detail such as
driving.
Likely Reactions to Confrontation
After a
confrontation, both partners may agree
there has been a betrayal and the goals
are to move beyond it, recover, resolve
what led to the betrayal, and repair the
relationship. Other times, the partner
experiences the situation as a betrayal,
but the user is hesitant about giving up
the Internet behavior because he or she
believes no real harm has been done;
then the couple is stuck. In some cases,
the situation is worsened if the user
has lost a job, been arrested, or has a
health concern (such as worry over
sexually transmitted diseases after a
physical affair).
Some times after confrontation, the user
is fearful of losing the relationship
with the partner (and children, pets,
finances) and at the same time also
fearful of loss of the online behavior.
He or she usually only discloses what he
or she thinks the partner has already
discovered, or is likely to discover, or
be told by an outside party. Sometimes
the user will even say that he or she
reached a sexual Web site by accident or
that it happened while looking for or
chatting about something else. He or she
wants to avoid having to admit any
wrongdoing at all costs. Users in this
mindset are reluctant to change or seek
help.
Some users try to blame the partner for
not engaging in sexual behaviors
requested, which “forced” him or her to
seek satisfaction by viewing pornography
or chatting with someone online.
Partners feel betrayed because the user
has been sharing information that has
been thought to be private within the
relationship, especially if the dialogue
contains emotional intensity or sexually
suggestive flirtations, or if the user
has arranged to meet with the other
person face-to-face.
Seeking Help
Reluctance to change must first be
resolved. Any hesitation should be
replaced by a desire to make a plan and
take action to improve the relationship.
In some cases, the betrayed partner may
be so disgusted or angry by what the
user has done, that a period of
separation may be useful to cool down or
reduce feelings of shame. A trained
mental health professional can assess
your particular situation and recommend
the best course of action and treatment.
A therapist will likely want to
determine if the user is addicted. If
so, the therapist will offer support and
assistance in the development of a plan,
which might include restrictions on
further computer use, accountability
measures, and finding a 12-step or
support group meeting. Some tips for
changing behavior include:
· Use pictures of spouse, family or other important people as a screen saver so the user can see what is important to him or her each time the computer is accessed.
· Move the computer to an open area in the home.
· Do not use the Internet alone; go online only when family members or supportive friends are present.
· Use the computer only for specific, planned tasks that have been reviewed with someone who will hold you accountable.
· Have periods of time when no online behavior happens.
· Control Internet access with filtering or blocking software, or use an Internet Service Provider that already filters Internet content. You can also use monitoring software that e-mails reports of visited sites to a chosen person.
· With help, the couple moves toward re-establishing trust and their sexual relationship. In the end, the couple will have strengthened their ability to repair problems, look for the good in each other, and find ways to successfully discuss and resolve long standing issues.
