 |
Introduction
The reality today is that the
computer has become an integrated part
of most people’s life. We use them for
work, play, shopping and when
researching something like the
possibility of hire a private
investigator. The same is true for
cheaters. They send e-mail to the
“other” person, they look at websites
about sexual performance, weight loss,
infidelity, how not to get caught, etc.
etc. In a growing number of cases,
people are meeting and developing
relationships on-line. They are in chat
rooms having on-line conversations,
posting messages to discussion bulletin
boards and visiting web sites to meet
people. Frequently these relationships
grow from a cyber-affair into a real
world relationship. These can grow into
regular e-mailing and instant messaging
about how they feel toward one another
and what they are up to. Accordingly,
the computer can be a treasure chest of
information that can help a spouse or
loved one who is looking to know what’s
going on.
Why an internet relationship?
Some interesting statistics
about “on line” activity
-
57% of people have used the
Internet to flirt. (Greenfield
and Rivet - Internet Use & Abuse
Survey 1999).
-
38% of people have engaged in
explicit online sexual
conversation and 50% of people
have made phone contact with
someone they chatted with
online. (Greenfield and Rivet -
Internet Use & Abuse Survey
1999).
-
Evidence proves there is a high
correlation between on-line
cybersex and subsequent
real-time sexual affairs.
(Greenfield and Rivet - Internet
Use & Abuse Survey 1999)
-
31% of people have had an online
conversation that has led to
real-time sex. (Greenfield and
Rivet - Internet Use & Abuse
Survey 1999)
As private investigators we get asked
this question frequently. In our
experience, it seems that the internet
is safer and easier to meet people in
than the real world is. On line, you can
be the person you want to be. Maybe
better looking, richer, happier, etc.,
etc. and it’s safe to be that person.
Mike, who was a mechanic in the Navy ten
years ago in real life becomes Mike the
former “Navy Seal” on-line. Michelle,
whose college roommate became a model in
the real world “does some modeling” when
chatting with her friends in cyberspace.
You can type things on the internet that
you would never say in the real world.
In short, it gives people a place to
fill a lagging self-esteem or to
compensate for the short comings of
their real life.
Once you “meet” someone on-line who
sounds exciting, sexy and interesting,
you spend time learning about them and
fantasizing about how they look, how
well they relate to you, etc. As the
“relationship” goes on, the two get to
know each other better and the real
world begins to enter the conversations.
Trust develops because this is the
person “you relate to” and it builds up
as more time goes by. It then gets to
the point where they begin to be even
more honest, sometimes totally honest,
and an internet affair becomes a real
relationship or affair outside of
cyberspace.
Does it really happen?
Absolutely. Too many of our clients
consult with us and state their
disbelief that their loved one would be
trolling for sex on the internet or
having an on-line affair. The reality is
that, like affairs at school, work,
church, the health club or any other
social environment, it usually happens
quite innocently and grows. People go
online and get to know one another in
this safe internet world and slowly it
progresses into cyber sex and or a real
life relationship. Do not underestimate
this format for people meeting and
growing close on the internet. Internet
affairs happen daily, in every town
across the country.
There are also those who are not
looking for a boost in their self esteem
or have a relationship, rather they
simply want sex with someone they don’t
know. In some cases, cyber sex fills
this need. This sub-culture is comprised
of men and women who use the computer to
meet other people who want commitment
free sex. They are attracted to the
excitement of the affair. They like to
type stories about fantasy and sex. They
look for others who share this desire.
It is important not to stereo type these
folks. They are not just “stripers” or
the “dirty old man” wearing a trench
coat. This is your neighbor, the soccer
mom, the teller at the bank, your
accountant and potentially your partner.
This group uses the computer the same
way those looking for true love do. They
visit certain sites, e-mail, chat and
instant message.
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Over half of all
U.S. households
have Internet
access, making
the 40 million
sexually
explicit Web
sites, chat
rooms, bulletin
boards and
interactive
games completely
available to
anyone who cares
to partake. An
estimated 20 to
33 percent of
Internet users
go online for
sexual purposes;
most are male,
about 35 years
old, married
with children,
and well
educated. As
many as 17
percent of users
become addicted
to online sexual
activity. In the
coming years, as
the number of
households with
Internet access
grows, it can be
expected that
more and more
couples will
suffer a variety
of problems
related to
online
infidelity.
Sexual behavior
over the
Internet can
easily threaten
relationships
because it is
extremely
accessible,
affordable, and
the ability to
hide one’s
identity helps
people feel they
can escape being
caught. Online
sexual behavior
is proving to be
highly addictive
to some users
and serious
relationship
problems are
reported in
almost all
marriages in
which one
partner is
cybersex
addicted. Even
if the user does
not become
addicted,
problems can
still exist
between
partners.
How Does
Online Sexual
Behavior Start?
Online chatting
or e-mailing can
begin simply as
a distraction
from boredom or
emotional
distress.
Behaviors that
were once off
limits in a
face-to-face
situation with
strangers are
suddenly
available
through the
Internet.
Individuals
seeking to
connect with a
potential
partner via the
Internet can
present
themselves in
any way they
choose, and can
omit information
they don’t want
others to know.
What started
innocently can
easily advance
to a real life
emotional and/or
physical
extramarital
affair. However,
even if the
behavior never
advances to
meeting in
person, many
partners view
cybersex
chatting and/or
pornography
viewing as a
form of
infidelity, a
threat to the
marriage, and as
emotionally
distressing as a
“live” affair.
What are the
Signs?
Problems that
arise include
loss of trust, a
decrease in
self-esteem, and
a sense of
isolation. Some
users begin to
have difficulty
becoming aroused
by their
partners, avoid
sex, and
experience
emotional
distress in
their
relationships.
In fact, 52
percent of
cybersex users
lose interest in
relational sex.
Or, to the other
extreme, the
user may request
or demand sexual
behaviors that
the partner
finds offensive.
The partner may
notice a
significant
change in sleep
patterns, the
demand for
privacy, and the
user may make
excuses for
spending time
alone. If you
suspect your
partner is
viewing child
porn or any
other illegal
porn please
READ our
Spouse and Child
Porn Porn
Page.
To be in a
secure love
relationship is
to be desired
and thought of
as special. It
is our main
source of
security,
emotional
safety, and
comfort.
Infidelity of
any kind
disrupts this
special bond and
one or both
partners no
longer have the
sense of being
connected in a
secure, safe
haven. In the
case of Internet
infidelity, when
a partner
suspects the
user is engaging
in cybersex
behaviors, he or
she may become
overly sensitive
to the partners
activities and
whereabouts,
searching for
evidence of
wrongdoing.
One or both
partners may
obsessively
think about the
other’s
behavior, have
problems
sleeping, have
difficulty
focusing at
work, and
dealing with
other tasks
requiring
attention to
detail such as
driving.
Likely
Reactions to
Confrontation
After a
confrontation,
both partners
may agree there
has been a
betrayal and the
goals are to
move beyond it,
recover, resolve
what led to the
betrayal, and
repair the
relationship.
Other times, the
partner
experiences the
situation as a
betrayal, but
the user is
hesitant about
giving up the
Internet
behavior because
he or she
believes no real
harm has been
done; then the
couple is stuck.
In some cases,
the situation is
worsened if the
user has lost a
job, been
arrested, or has
a health concern
(such as worry
over sexually
transmitted
diseases after a
physical
affair).
Some times after
confrontation,
the user is
fearful of
losing the
relationship
with the partner
(and children,
pets, finances)
and at the same
time also
fearful of loss
of the online
behavior. He or
she usually only
discloses what
he or she thinks
the partner has
already
discovered, or
is likely to
discover, or be
told by an
outside party.
Sometimes the
user will even
say that he or
she reached a
sexual Web site
by accident or
that it happened
while looking
for or chatting
about something
else. He or she
wants to avoid
having to admit
any wrongdoing
at all costs.
Users in this
mindset are
reluctant to
change or seek
help.
Some users try
to blame the
partner for not
engaging in
sexual behaviors
requested, which
“forced” him or
her to seek
satisfaction by
viewing
pornography or
chatting with
someone online.
Partners feel
betrayed because
the user has
been sharing
information that
has been thought
to be private
within the
relationship,
especially if
the dialogue
contains
emotional
intensity or
sexually
suggestive
flirtations, or
if the user has
arranged to meet
with the other
person
face-to-face.
Seeking Help
Reluctance to
change must
first be
resolved. Any
hesitation
should be
replaced by a
desire to make a
plan and take
action to
improve the
relationship. In
some cases, the
betrayed partner
may be so
disgusted or
angry by what
the user has
done, that a
period of
separation may
be useful to
cool down or
reduce feelings
of shame. A
trained mental
health
professional can
assess your
particular
situation and
recommend the
best course of
action and
treatment.
A therapist will
likely want to
determine if the
user is
addicted. If so,
the therapist
will offer
support and
assistance in
the development
of a plan, which
might include
restrictions on
further computer
use,
accountability
measures, and
finding a
12-step or
support group
meeting. Some
tips for
changing
behavior
include:
£
Use pictures of
spouse, family
or other
important people
as a screen
saver so the
user can see
what is
important to him
or her each time
the computer is
accessed.
£
Move the
computer to an
open area in the
home.
£
Do not use the
Internet alone;
go online only
when family
members or
supportive
friends are
present.
£
Use the computer
only for
specific,
planned tasks
that have been
reviewed with
someone who will
hold you
accountable.
£
Have periods of
time when no
online behavior
happens.
£
Control Internet
access with
filtering or
blocking
software, or use
an Internet
Service Provider
that already
filters Internet
content. You can
also use
monitoring
software that
e-mails reports
of visited sites
to a chosen
person.
With help, the
couple moves
toward
re-establishing
trust and their
sexual
relationship. In
the end, the
couple will have
strengthened
their ability to
repair problems,
look for the
good in each
other, and find
ways to
successfully
discuss and
resolve
long-standing
issues.
If you suspect
that your spouse
is addicted to
porn and much
worse they could
be addicted to
child porn, you
could be living
with a child
predator and not
even know it.
This a serious
issue you must
know the ins and
outs of see our
Spouse and Child
Porn page on
this topic.
This a eye
opener and a
must see.
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The best way to get proof of an
On-Line Affair, On-Line Cheating or
Cyber Sex
As private investigators we see it
everyday. Clients whose spouse or loved
one is cheating on them and carrying on
the relationship on the internet. We
STRONGLY recommend that you consider
handling things yourself and install one
of these discreet software programs to
get your own proof. They are EASY TO
INSTALL AND USE. You don’t need to be a
programmer or high end computer user.
Installation and use is easy and can be
done by anyone.
eBlaster for Windows - NEW VERSION
3.0!
NEW eBlaster 3.0 - Now Records
and Automatically Forwards Email!
eBlaster lets you know EXACTLY
what your spouse or family members
are doing on the Internet, even if
you are thousands of miles away.
eBlaster records their emails,
chats, instant messages, web sites
visited and keystrokes typed -- and
then automatically sends this
recorded information to your own
email address. Additionally, within
seconds of them sending or receiving
an email, you will receive your own
copy of that email.
Spector Professional Edition for
Windows
Now with Web Mail capture!
Spector Professional Edition
automatically takes hundreds of
snapshots every hour AND includes
TRUE email capture (even web-based
email such as Hotmail, Yahoo mail,
etc...), TRUE chat and instant
messenger capture, and now includes
the world’s best Key Logger. In
addition, Spector Pro provides
IMMEDIATE NOTIFICATION when your
loved ones encounter dangerous or
inappropriate web sites, emails or
chats.
Awarded PC Magazine Editors’
Choice for best Surveillance
Software (July 2002).Spector Pro is
the only program available that will
capture web-based email such as
Yahoo mail, Hotmail, Excite mail and
AOL web based email. With Spector
Pro, you will be able to SEE in
exact detail what your spouse, kids
and employees have been doing online
and offline.
Be aware that these programs work in
stealth, but there are other software
products available that are designed to
locate spy software on a computer. It is
also well known that products like these
exist and some cheating spouses will be
aware of the potential for you to
monitor their activities. We also advise
that you consult with an attorney or law
enforcement in your area to verify the
legality of using such spy software
programs where you live. We are not
attorneys and cannot attest to the
circumstances under which someone can
employ these programs to watch someone
else’s activities.
What if you
think He or
She is
Watching for
you to watch
them
on-line?
Advantages
of
KeyGhost
Keylogger:
-
Easy
to
install
in a
few
seconds!
Simply
plug
it
in.
Installation
pictures.
-
It
records
every
keystroke,
even
those
typed
in
the
critical
period
between
computer
switch
on
and
the
operating
system
being
loaded.
-
KeyGhost
even
captures
and
displays
key
combinations
such
as
Ctrl+C,
Alt+F
and
Ctrl+Alt+Delete,
making
it
easy
to
understand
exactly
what
was
typed.
-
Keylogger
works
with
any
PC
operating
system,
and
stores
a
continuous
log
even
across
multiple
operating
systems
on
one
computer.
-
No
software
installation
is
necessary
to
record
or
retrieve
keystrokes.
How?
-
It
has
a
capacity
of
up
to
2,000,000
keystrokes
stored
with
STRONG
128-bit
encryption.
(This
is
approximately
300,000
words,
or 1
years
worth
of
typing).
-
Keylogger
features
looping
memory
so
you
will
never
miss
the
most
recent
keystrokes.
-
Impossible
to
detect
and/or
disable
by
using
software.
-
It
is a
very
user-friendly
keylogger,
you
do
not
need
to
know
how
to
program
to
use
it.
Simply
plug
the
device
into
the
keyboard
cable.
-
The
log
in
the
KeyGhost
cannot
be
tampered
with.
It
is
an
authentic
record
of
what
was
typed,
and
therefore,
it
may
be
used
as
strong
evidence
in a
court
of
law.
-
KeyGhost
Hardware
Keyloggers
have
been
extensively
tested
for
over
5
years
on
almost
every
brand
of
PC,
and
have
received
many
positive
independent
reviews.
You
can
be
sure
our
Keyloggers
work
as
advertised.
If this is
the case and
you know a
bit about
computers,
we have just
the right
tool for the
job!
KeyGhost is
NOT
software. It
is a small
device that
you plug
into the
back of your
PC which
does all the
work
software
based
keyloggers
do but
cannot be
found by
spyware
detection
programs.
Record and
retrieve
everything
typed,
including
emails,
chatroom
activity,
instant
messages,
website
addresses,
search
engine
searches and
more.
No software
installation
is necessary
to record or
retrieve
keystrokes!
Is the
cheater
watching
you?
If that
won’t get
the job
done, there
are a
seemingly
endless
number of
software
programs
that can
help you to
monitor a
computer and
get the
proof you
need. Our
private
investigative
agency has
experience
with many
and we have
presented
those that
we think can
get the job
done
correctly
and reliably
below. Be
sure to
review them
in detail
and get an
understanding
of how they
work. We are
confident
that all of
them can be
run by
anyone. You
don’t need
to be a PI
or a
computer
programmer
to use them.
With spyware
being as
sophisticated
as it is,
this type of
monitoring
device is
very
difficult to
locate
without
extensive
knowledge of
computers
and their
operating
systems.
Fortunately,
there are
several
equally as
sophisticated
programs
available to
help detect
spyware
someone is
using to
watch you,
all at very
affordable
prices.
These
programs can
be installed
by anyone
and do not
require
paying an
expert to
come to your
home or know
your private
affairs. If
you suspect
that this
could be
happening to
you, we
encourage
you to visit
these
software
providers
who we feel
offer
excellent
products to
assist you:
Do it
yourself
On-Line
Cheating
Advice
Signs of
Cheating
On-Line
-
New
demands
for
privacy
on
the
computer.
-
Spends
time
on-line
while
you
sleep
or
only
when
you
are
gone
-
Closes
screens,
lots
of
clicking
when
you
come
in
the
room.
-
Moves
the
computer
to a
more
private
area.
-
New
e-mail
accounts,
hotmail
or
other
free,
anonymous
e-mail.
-
Password
protected
areas,
accounts
-
Deleting
files,
emptying
“recycle
bin”
each
time
he/she
uses
computer,
deleting
cache
-
Excessive
time
on
computer
claimed
to
be
for
some
purpose
but
no
support
for
it.
E-Mail
Tracing
If you know
that your
loved one is
receiving
e-mail from
a certain
person but
you don’t
know their
identity,
help is
available.
As trained
licensed
private
investigators,
we have the
ability to
trace most
e-mail
accounts or
e-mails back
to the
sender. Not
all e-mails
can be
traced and
several
types of
“anonomous”
e-mail
accounts
exist, but
the majority
of e-mail
accounts,
including
AOL accounts
can be
traced back
to the
sender.
At Mate
Check,
we change $
425.00 flat
rate for our
basic e-mail
trace. This
includes the
name and
address of
the owner of
the e-mail
account that
sent the
message. If
we cannot
get you the
owner, we
charge $
100.00 and
return the
remaining $
325.00
immediately.
Note: if you
need this
done for
litigation
purposes,
the cost
will vary
inasmuch as
additional
procedures
will need to
be employed
to hold up
in court.
Is Viewing
Internet
Pornography
Like
Cheating?
According to
Nielsen Net
ratings,
17.5 million
users
visited
Internet
pornography
sites from
their homes
in one
month. It’s
a growing
trend that
has many
people
worrying
about their
relationships.
So is it
normal, or
is it
cheating?
Here’s what
Dr. Phil
McGraw has
to say:
If you’re
looking at
Internet
pornography,
you need to
determine if
you have a
problem. Ask
yourself
these two
questions:
Would you do
it with your
partner
standing
right there?
Are you
turning
outside your
relationship
to meet a
need that
should be
met within
the
relationship?
Your answers
to those
questions
should give
you an idea
of whether
you have a
problem. You
should also
consider how
your
behavior
affects the
people
around you.
You might
say that
looking at
pornography
online is
harmless,
but it could
have a
negative
emotional
effect on
the people
you love.
Conversely,
you may be
hurt because
your mate is
looking at
pornography
online. You
have good
reason to be
upset! That
sort of
behavior is
disrespectful
to the
relationship
that the two
of you
created.
Talk to your
partner.
Explain that
the
pornography
has to go—no
ifs, ands or
buts. Don’t
accept
excuses like
"Everybody
looks at
porn" or
"It’s just
the
Internet."
That
attitude
speaks
volumes
about the
health of
your
relationship.
Your partner
has to
choose
what’s more
important:
pornography
or the
relationship?
From the
show Dr.
Phil on
Adultery
We enjoyed
the
following
article
about
on-line
cheating and
how you can
catch your
spouse
Online
cheating and
Cyber
Affairs in
the News
Net
Ensnares
Cheaters
in
Tangled
Web
Sunday,
December
14, 2003
By David
Koeppel
NEW YORK
—
Adultery
was once
kept a
secret.
Not
online.
The
Internet
dating
(search)
craze is
blazing
a trail
of
broken
marriages,
thanks
to
dozens
of sites
inviting
participants
to
identify
themselves
as "not
so
happily
married,"
"married
but that
shouldn’t
matter"
or even
the
seemingly
archaic,
"married
but we
swing."
Studies
show
some 30
percent
of
online
dating
visitors
are
married
-- and
recent
research
by the
University
of
Florida
(search)
reports
that
what
starts
out as
flirting
and
cybersex
quickly
escalates
into the
real
thing.
The
Internet
became
an easy
escape
for
"Barbara,"
a
43-year-old
married
New
Yorker
who
dated
about 60
men in
three
years
until
she met
Steve,
who’s
also
married
-- but
now
sneaking
around
with
Barbara.
"We see
each
other
once or
twice a
week,"
she
says.
"We have
a lot in
common,
have a
great
time
together
and the
sex is
phenomenal."
She says
a cold
husband
sent her
surfing
for
more.
"There
was no
warmth
or any
physical
affection,"
she says
glumly.
She
tried
cajoling
her
husband
into
seeing a
marriage
counselor,
but
after
only one
visit,
he
refused
to
return.
She
didn’t
want a
divorce
because
of their
7-year-old
daughter,
so she
posted
an ad
online.
"I’m not
interested
in
jeopardizing
my
marriage
or
anyone
else’s,"
she
said. "I
just
wanted
to find
someone
special
I could
click
with."
Other
women
interviewed
say
they’ve
been
searching
for
deeper
emotional
relationships
than
their
husbands
are able
to give
-- but
aren’t
ready to
leave.
"I guess
the sex
just
isn’t
what it
used to
be when
we first
met,"
says
Nicole,
28, a
married
New
Yorker
who’s
listed
her
profile
online.
"I miss
the
feeling
of sex
being
new and
exciting.
It’s
addicting."
Addiction
is
something
that
Chris
Samuels,
the
co-director
of a
sexual
addiction
treatment
center,
understands
all too
well.
She has
treated
many
married
and
unmarried
patients
who’ve
gotten
caught
up in
Internet
lust.
"Its
power is
almost
trance-inducing,"
she
says.
"You can
troll
these
sites
and have
a
fantasy
ready
and
waiting.
Cybersex
can
provide
a quick
and
powerful
high.
It’s
like
crack
cocaine
to sex
addicts."
Alfred,
49, is a
self-described
Internet
Lothario
who says
he’s
been
"swinging"
for 23
years.
Before
going
online,
he would
post ads
in
"swinger
magazines,"
sometimes
waiting
two to
four
months
to set
up a
first
meeting.
Now his
desires
can be
gratified
almost
instantly
by
posting
ads on
the
Internet.
"While
I’m open
to a
relationship,
I’d
prefer
someone
I can
meet for
no-strings
mutual
sexual
pleasure
on a
continuing
basis,"
he says.
Alfred’s
new
online
ads
generally
attract
several
interested
women
("I’m a
seller
in a
buyer’s
market,"
he says
proudly).
He
usually
hooks up
with
married
women, | |
